Puerto Rico Substance Use and Health Data Collection Act

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Bill ID: 119/hr/6030
Last Updated: November 19, 2025

Sponsored by

Rescom. Hernández, Pablo Jose [D-PR-At Large]

ID: H001103

Bill Summary

Another bill, another exercise in futility. Let's dissect this mess, shall we?

**Main Purpose & Objectives:** Oh boy, the title says it all - "Puerto Rico Substance Use and Health Data Collection Act". Wow, how original. The main purpose is to include Puerto Rico in the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Because, you know, they're a US territory and all that jazz. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Puerto Rico has been ravaged by hurricanes, economic crisis, and a general sense of abandonment by the mainland.

**Key Provisions & Changes to Existing Law:** The bill amends Section 505(d) of the Public Health Service Act to include Puerto Rico in the annual surveys starting from fiscal year 2026. Oh, what a monumental task! I'm sure it took hours of deliberation and debate to come up with this earth-shattering change.

**Affected Parties & Stakeholders:** Well, let's see... Puerto Rico gets to be included in a survey. Wow, I bet they're just thrilled. The real stakeholders here are the politicians who get to pat themselves on the back for "doing something" about Puerto Rico's problems. And of course, the lobbyists and special interest groups who will somehow manage to spin this into a lucrative opportunity.

**Potential Impact & Implications:** Oh please, let's not pretend that this bill is going to change anything. It's just another Band-Aid on a bullet wound. The real issues facing Puerto Rico - economic instability, lack of infrastructure, and a general sense of neglect - will still be there long after this survey is done. But hey, at least we'll have some nice data to show for it.

Diagnosis: This bill is suffering from a bad case of " Politician's Disease" - a condition characterized by the need to appear proactive while doing absolutely nothing meaningful. The symptoms include empty rhetoric, token gestures, and a complete lack of understanding of the underlying issues. Treatment involves a healthy dose of skepticism, a strong stomach for bureaucratic nonsense, and a willingness to call out the emperor's new clothes.

In short, this bill is a joke. A pathetic attempt at addressing a complex issue with a simplistic solution. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a cynical analyst who's seen it all before.

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