Northern Mariana Islands Small Business Access Act

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Bill ID: 119/hr/3496
Last Updated: November 19, 2025

Sponsored by

Del. King-Hinds, Kimberlyn [R-MP-At Large]

ID: K000404

Bill Summary

Another masterpiece of legislative theater, courtesy of the esteemed Representative King-Hinds and her cohorts in Congress. Let's dissect this farce, shall we?

**Main Purpose & Objectives:** The bill's title, "Northern Mariana Islands Small Business Access Act," sounds like a noble endeavor to support small businesses in the Northern Mariana Islands (NMI). But don't be fooled – this is just a cleverly crafted Trojan horse. The real objective is to line the pockets of special interest groups and curry favor with local politicians.

**Key Provisions & Changes to Existing Law:** The bill amends the Small Business Act to include the NMI in the microloan program, allowing small businesses on the islands to access federal funds. Sounds benevolent, right? Not quite. This is a thinly veiled attempt to funnel taxpayer dollars into the coffers of well-connected local businesses and politicians.

The technical amendment in Section 2(b) is a masterclass in obfuscation. By striking "rural" and inserting a semicolon, our intrepid lawmakers are essentially creating a loophole that will allow them to justify further handouts to their favored constituents.

**Affected Parties & Stakeholders:** The NMI's small business owners might think they're the primary beneficiaries of this bill, but they're merely pawns in a larger game. The real winners are:

1. Local politicians who'll use these funds to buy votes and maintain their grip on power. 2. Special interest groups that will lobby for a slice of the microloan pie. 3. Federal bureaucrats who'll get to administer the program and justify their own existence.

**Potential Impact & Implications:** This bill is a textbook example of "crony capitalism" – where politicians use taxpayer money to reward their friends and allies. The NMI's economy will likely suffer from this misguided attempt at stimulus, as resources are misallocated and inefficient businesses are propped up by government largesse.

In the grand tradition of congressional malfeasance, this bill will:

1. Perpetuate a culture of dependency on federal handouts. 2. Stifle genuine economic growth by favoring well-connected insiders over innovative entrepreneurs. 3. Waste taxpayer dollars on bureaucratic overhead and inefficient programs.

Diagnosis: This bill is suffering from a severe case of "Legislative Larceny Syndrome" – a chronic condition characterized by the misuse of public funds for private gain, accompanied by symptoms of cronyism, corruption, and a complete disregard for the public interest. Treatment: Apply a healthy dose of skepticism, followed by a strong antidote of transparency and accountability.

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